Lessons from my 97-year-old grandmother

For the last several months, I have stepped away from the frantic pace of life to assist with the care of my 97-year-old grandmother in Connecticut. When you live to be 97, life eventually slows down. Daily tasks become more difficult. Body and mind become less reliable. Any health concern becomes imminently important. As much as my care has helped Gram navigate the challenges of living at that age, she has helped me even more, unknowingly, by simply being the person that she is. At the risk of sounding too cliché, I want to share the wisdom that she’s given me over the past year, as perhaps you will also find helpful elements within:

• Don’t take life for granted. Gram’s heart stopped beating last fall. She was rushed to the hospital for an emergency pacemaker surgery, which she took surprisingly well for 96. After a grueling month of rehabilitation, she was released to return to her home, with assistance, perhaps healthier than she was when I saw her last summer. Instead of “dying of old age,” she survived, and I am determined to make the most of this extra time we have together.
• Exercise. During her rehab, Gram’s physical therapy team put her on a daily regimen of repetitive exercises and periodic walking, to be continued at home. Although she had never been a ‘workout person’ before, she willingly does her high knees, toe raises, and mini-squats every day. Even with modest fitness goals – to get out of bed unassisted and walk short distances with a walker – the exercises are making a noticeable positive impact on her physical health.
• Eat well. When asked her secret to a long life, Gram once replied, “Popcorn and cake!” This answer is oversimplified, of course, especially since her diabetes and acid reflux require careful dietary planning. But she has been fortunate to keep her appetite, enjoying a breakfast of over-easy eggs and turkey bacon nearly every day. She especially enjoys finer foods, and I treat her to her favorite meals – including roasted lamb shank, gyros, lobster, fried whole-belly clams, shrimp scampi, Chinese takeout, kielbasa and pierogies – as often as I can. And she’s always had a sweet tooth, which we satiate with frequent trips out for ice cream.
• Look your best. For my entire life, Gram has donned a perfectly curled bouffant, colored auburn and set weekly before the pandemic rendered her homebound. I learned how to work the curling iron so that I could maintain this style daily, becoming the unlikeliest master stylist after a few weeks of practice. Even if no visitors come by to see, her “Ooh, yes!” when she looks in the mirror is always worth it, since she clearly feels better when she looks better.
• Relax. Especially during the cold months, Gram spends a lot of time in her recliner, which she affectionately calls her ‘lounge.’ She is very comfortable and content to spend entire days here – “I think I’ll just relax, read my book, take it easy,” she’ll say to anyone who calls. Sometimes I hear her small voice call out “popcorn” when I’m in the other room, and I scramble to make her snack appear. She’s a queen, and she deserves it.
• Accept help. In the same spirit, she requires assistance to do many of her tasks, assistance that even 5 years ago she was very hesitant to accept. Her caregiver, Olga, is an absolute godsend when it comes to helping her bathe, change clothes, and maintain personal hygiene. We all work together to keep up Gram’s house, do her laundry, prepare her meals, and manage her medications, enabling Gram to move through her routine without needing to stress.
• Say ‘yes’ to opportunities. One morning in March, we woke up to an unexpected 6 inches of snow. I asked Gram if she’d like to go for a drive, and she surprised me by responding, “Sure, why not?” Instead of just another day in the lounge, we made memories by driving around town with no destination in mind, marveling at the colonial town green and the tall trees of Mohegan Park peacefully blanketed in white.
• Keep your mind active. Gram reads the newspaper every day, though she quickly tosses aside the articles in favor of the Cryptoquote and Jumble. Her other favorite puzzle is Word Search, in which she vigorously circles every little 2- and 3- letter word in addition to ones you’re supposed to find. She loves game shows, watching Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune nightly – our little thing is trying to ‘win the car’ by guessing the final puzzle of Wheel, and we’re really good at it! We’ve also played countless games of Uno and Scrabble, perhaps bending the rules on occasion but always having a good time.
• Some days will be better than others. In April, Gram had a viral cough that persisted long enough to cause a muscle strain in her diaphragm and aggravate her hiatal hernia – for a couple weeks, I supported her every movement from laying to sitting to standing with the singular goal of getting through the day without increasing her pain. Sometimes it’s an inconsolable skin itch, or an ingrown toenail piercing her foot, or a particularly severe case of heartburn or reflux. Some days she’s simply not feeling it and takes out her hearing aids to thwart me. It’s best to just put these mishaps to bed and wake up to a clean slate tomorrow.
• Sleep well. Gram usually doesn’t have a problem with this, sleeping at least 12 hours per night then taking an occasional nap during the day. And when she does her unique loud yawn, I know that she probably could use even more. Fortunately, a good night’s sleep is likely to bring a wakeful next day, which is far better for visiting.
• Laugh often. Unless you’re recuperating from a strained diaphragm, laughter is truly the best medicine. I try to make Gram laugh with clever remarks and funny stories, but her humor has changed with age. Olga gets her to crack up laughing every time she coaches Gram on deep breathing, and my aunt provokes uncontrollable giggling fits when helping Gram roll into bed. I don’t fully understand it, but I love to see it when it happens!
• Get outside. Nothing makes Gram perk up like going outside on a nice day. She has the perfect covered patio for sitting, complete with a serene view of her many potted plants and wooded backyard. She keenly watches for hummingbirds that visit her hanging fuchsia, and we had a lot of fun watching a nest of wrens hatch and eventually fledge. My favorite place to take her is Olga’s lake, where she can sit on a small beach in the shade while kids play in the sand and boats pass by…truly these are our best days together!
• Nurture your hobbies. Growing up, I associated Gram with a few of her hobbies: knitting, making jam, watching baseball, reading, shopping, attending church, going out to restaurants. While many of these activities are now impossible, we bring what we can to her home – a gentleman from church brings her the holy sacrament, she still chooses outfits from the shopping expeditions of others, and I’ve offered various menus to spice up her home dining experience. I loved watching her rediscover her enthusiasm for reading and get hyped for making jam with my cousins – they were the sous chefs, but Gram was an active supervisor!
• Agency matters. Another hobby of Gram’s was curating her patio flowers every summer. I tried my best to assemble flowerboxes according to her tastes, but she insisted on picking out other flowers to fix my work. I ended up pushing her in a wheelchair down row after bumpy row at the nursery, showing her 360° views of various potted annuals right as a thunderstorm blew in. It was stupid and irresponsible, but not entirely in vain as we picked out a luscious planter that she was proud of for the rest of the summer.
• Keep your family and friends close. Because of who she is and how she treats people, Gram has a steady stream of visitors all the time. Her two daughters spend several weeks a year here, and she gets frequent visits from cousins, church friends, neighbors, even the mailman. Life could be isolating as a homebound nonagenarian, but instead Gram has a community that loves her, takes care of her, and provides her with that extra bump of energy.
• Maintain a positive outlook. Above all else, I am proud of Gram’s attitude. She has to deal with chronic pain, diminished faculties, and the prospect of finality; yet she still approaches every day like it will be a good one, and always has something to look forward to. Her outlook not only makes her an exceptionally pleasant person, but it also provides her an intrinsic happiness. And I think that’s a lesson we can all take to the bank.